I am They

I’ve been trying to get a hold of my old buddy Bob with no success- He’s a guy that I’ve known for over 30 years- we had the same 2nd grade teacher and became fast and longtime friends, but in recent years we’ve only seen each other a handful of times, traded voice and e-mails mostly.

But there was a time when we were insep- unsep- we were always together. We worked together, went into businesses together (both legal and otherwise) and generally got into a lot of trouble together.

I was telling a guy about the adventures of Bob and Pops recently and I remembered a night in Hayward, CA at a local watering hole, Casa Carlitas- a Mexican restaurant and bar we went in every once in a while- we were there so much they engraved our names on stools.

This was also a local haunt of a few reporters we knew from our local newspaper, one of which was the SF 49’s beat reporter. I think this was the 86 season- for a few years Bob and I would manage to get field passes to shoot local teams- niners, A’s, Warriors and we got to know the reporters pretty well.

The niners reporter was sitting with Bob and me at Carlitas and we were all getting pretty trashed- he was commenting on the fact that Joe Montana, the niners star quarterback-who had been knocked out of action in the first game or two of the season, went through back surgery, was told by doctors that his career could be over, and was now back on the field after only 2 months of rest.

Bob laughed and said “yeah, back surgery”.
”What’s that mean?” asked the reporter.

I picked up the ball and ran with it “he didn’t have surgery- didn’t you hear?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Man, he was in rehab- Joe’s got the same problem his cuz Tony has- you know, from Scarface? Joe’s a big time coke head- everyone knows that”.

I know- stupid move- complete lie- we were bad guys and worse drunks. But at the time we thought it was funny- we were just shooting the bull over a few dozen drinks.

Now, ordinarily this would have been laughed away and conversation would have switched over to the little waitress at the other end of the bar- but like I said, Bob and I had, well, been in “business” together and that’s all I’m really going to say about that. So this reporter figured we had an inside track.

Anyway, a few days later, I’m reading the local paper and I run across a story on the niners and there’s a quote in there, I don’t remember exactly how it went but it was something like “reports of substance abuse by Montana were categorically denied by the organization”.

Thinking about this instance got me wondering- some lame reporter believed, or at least thought about, what two idiot drunks said in a bar and attempted to base a story on it- even went as far as asking the team spokes person about something I said in an alcohol hazed moment.

You hear stuff all the time- “They say…” whatever- in this case “they say Montana’s got a dope problem”. Totally false. What about all the other stuff THEY say?

THEY say don’t go swimming after you eat. Why?

THEY say coffee’s bad for you.

THEY say coffee’s good for you.

THEY say wine is bad for you unless it’s on a day when THEY say it’s good for you.

Well, I was once upon a time THEY so here’s a whole new list that THEY- and when I say THEY I mean ME- have for your consideration:

• Red meat is good for you- and red meat will include any meat covered in ketchup or barbecue sauce.

• Anyone who spells ketchup catsup is to be ridiculed.

• One strawberry margarita is now considered a serving of fruit.

• Beer or “grain” alcohol will now be listed on the food pyramid next to bread.

• 14 hours of sleep will now be the recommended daily allowance.

• Charts that determine an individual’s ideal weight will no longer be determined by height- it will now be by shoe size. I wear a 13.

• Ugly Hawaiian print shirts with mustard stains on the front are now considered “chic”.

• That odd smell coming from under the back seat of my truck is now considered an aphrodisiac.

• Lounging on the couch watching the all day Law and Order marathon is considered preparing for a career in law enforcement.
  

Well, that’s what they say anyway.